Great Funny Quotes Biography
Source (google.com.pk)
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
Money, Successful, Woman
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
Life, Vodka, Somebody
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Bill Cosby
Wise, Stupid, Word
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey
Great, Woman, Eyes
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
Nice, Girl, Second
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard
Life, Alive, Seriously
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain
Hell, Company, Heaven
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
God, Happy, Wine
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
Night, Sunshine
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
Family, Child, Leave
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
Hell, She, Started
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov
Great, Annoyance
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
Government, Support, Pay
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain
Facts, Please, Distort
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford
Mind, Woman, Changes
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
Fake, Water, Died
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
Albert Einstein
Change, Facts, Theory
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
Between, Tried, Pick
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler
Matter, Door, Three
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
Why, Chance, Housework
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
Realize, Somebody, Specific
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
Afraid, Heights
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr
Girl, Stupid, Stand
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
Dark, Weather, Tonight
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
Top, Blender
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
Fat, Found, Thin
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan
Job, Depression, Lose
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby
End, Child, Name
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
Food, Sometimes, Wine
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Milton Berle
Him, Congress, Lead
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
Thomas Sowell
Knowledge, Ignorance, Realize
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Mark Twain
False, Including
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel
Everyone, Line, Height
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood
Time, Woman, Baby
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg
Idealist
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Margaret Mead
Remember, Else, Unique
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen
Taken, Annoy, Walks
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
Soul, Die, Belief
By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
Richard Dawkins
Means, Brains, Drop
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Joey Adams
Worry, Older, Temptation
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain
Mean, Trying, Adversity
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke
Children, Everybody, Knows
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Death, Afraid, Happens
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx
Club, Join, Refuse
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
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